Types of Couples Found in Pregnancy Classes

With many a pregnancy class behind us, I noticed that each person or couple attending fell into one of eight attendee categories.  Because I’m writing this post I decided that my wife and I were the perfect pregnancy class attendee type.  And if someone else wrote this post, we’d fall squarely into one of the less desirable categories.  See if you can find each attendee type at your next pregnancy class!

Know-It-All
When an instructor asks a question, this attendee knows the answer and shares it.  That’s admirable and helps the class move forward.  The problem is when the instructor makes a statement and this attendee adds their expertise each and every time.  Statements are not questions.  It’s great that you’ve read three books on pregnancy and are overflowing with knowledge, but how about we let the teacher teach the class?  We’re not getting graded on participation.  When the teacher discusses the pelvic bones during birth, you just have to say, “isn’t that also the ishium, ilium, and pubis?”  Idiot!  You even forgot the sacrum!  You know nothing.

To critique a Know-It-All, one must remember the sacrum

Exacting/Questioner
Our pregnancy teachers did well at providing us information at the levels we needed.  Our teacher gave us details when talking about the timeline for diaper changes in the first week.  And things were kept in broad terms as necessary, like calling the two doses for epidurals: light and heavy.  So why do you, Exacting/Questioner, ask how many CCs are provided for each epidural?  Only to the have the teacher tell you yet again, like so many figures and pregnancy events, that it will depend on the mother’s health, health history, and delivery progress.  I’m all for understanding the pregnancy process, but you have to recognize there are some things that none of us need to know.

Not everything must be exact; a small reason why we no longer get sized for shoes with X-rays

Product Placer
This attendee is a targeted pop-up ad that appears after you Google anything baby related.  This person advertises and namedrops their wares for: books, DVDs, bottles, monitors, cribs, clothes, car seats, strollers (jogging, multi-purpose, umbrella, and carriage), changing tables, bassinets, shoes, swaddle blankets, pack-and-plays, diapers (and their bags and lotions), pacifiers, breast pumps, baby backpacks like Baby Bjorn (now I’m a namedropper!), hand sanitizers, sunhats, thermometers, toys (fun and unnecessarily early education), bibs, baby chairs, bathtubs, stuffed animals, mattresses…ouch my head hurts.  Don’t even think about asking the attendee’s opinion about local schools.

Debater
Pregnancy teachers have taught for years, often are certified midwives or lactation consultants, and have seen it all before, during, and after delivery.  So why, dear debater, must you question every statement’s basis?  It’s one thing to not understand a concept and ask for an explanation (like the infamous breastfeeding value slide), but not every statement demands interrogation.  It gets worse when you challenge a medical finding by using an old wives’ tale for your evidence.  Believe in the teacher’s knowledge and question the validity of things on your own time.

I came to learn about meconium; not to watch a Frost/Nixon reenactment

Storyteller
Teacher: During delivery, sometimes a baby’s face is turned up, instead of down as preferred.  Yes, do you have a question?

Storyteller: I started to come out face up; they called it sunnyside up.

Teacher: Thanks.  In the past, when a baby needed assistance, the doctor would use forceps, but this is not a common practice at Kaiser because fewer doctors are trained for them and it isn’t needed often.  A question perhaps?

Storyteller: I had a boss once who had to be pulled out with forceps and they took his ears right off.  They reattached them though and he’s fine.

Teacher: That’s extremely rare.  The cord may be wrapped around the baby’s neck one or even two times; a situation that’s remedied safe quickly.  Did you have something to ask?

Storyteller: That reminds me of a boa constrictor my friend once had growing up.

Other attendees: We wish it had wound itself around your neck and never let go.

Jokester
What do you call a dozen people in a conference room paying attention to a pregnancy teacher?  I’d say people attending a pregnancy class.  The jokester sees their largest comedy audience to date.  We’re not at the Improv and you’re not the featured comedian.  You’re not the MC or host.  You’re not the warmup act.  You’re not funny.  Why must you answer every question with a joke?  Why must you laugh at bodily fluid chatter like a seventh grader in health class?  Save these thoughts, that only you think are hilarious and creative, for your blog about being a stay-at-home dad.

When the jokes aren’t followed by laughter, get off the stage

Disengaged
This attendee looks down at handouts, stays quiet during small group discussions, and checks their smartphone throughout.  These gestures border on shyness, but over the course of a class, it’s clear they have no desire to pay attention.  Shy attendees still pay attention and take notes.  Disengaged attendees do everything except gain valuable pregnancy insights; you know, the purpose of attending a pregnancy class.  As long as their actions don’t distract the class, disengaged folk only harm themselves.

Perfect Attendee
Me and my wife*. 

* Based on an informal poll of this blog’s author.